Hi everyone, I’ve been watching Bones every day for two months and eating jars of almond butter, plural. Have you also been achieving your fitness goals? If not, don’t worry — have I got some tricks for you.

Water: Drink a lot of it. That way, you’ll have to get up to use the bathroom frequently, which is a form of exercise. In a cool 20 years you will likely have walked a marathon.

Dog: Get one. They are always needing to go outside for some reason, which forces you outside, which is where exercise happens. Or so I hear. I have a cat and we take synchronized naps.

Lunch: Order each part of your lunch from a different restaurant. Like a scavenger hunt. Make the last stop 7 miles away. Return to work by sundown, having seen some shit.

The Far Away Starbucks: Go to Starbucks. No, not that Starbucks. The other one. The farther away one. No, you know the one I’m taking about. Down the street a ways from the one you’re thinking of. Yep, that one.

Hot Friends: Have them. Gaze upon them wistfully and think “what would it take for me to be as hot as them?” The answer is exercise. Or genetics. Remember that you have control over both.

Bees: Poke a hive. I don’t imagine that’s something you just walk slowly away from.

Winter: Get excited for it. Shivering burns 100 calories a minute. This is not true!

Food: Run out of it. This will force you to leave your house to get more, which involves walking, which is exercise. Unless you drive to a food place, but c’mon. Help me help you..

Panic: A constant, slow-burning panic is equivalent to 20 minutes of cardio. This is definitely true!

Amnesia: Hit your head. Wake up believing yourself to be an Olympic athlete.

Beyonce: See Hot Friends.

And finally, Sleep Gym.

You can do this. WE can do this. At least ONE OF US can do this (it’s you).