Humor
49 posts
If you told me nine months ago that eventually I’d be here, a few days from my due date, relatively calm and ready to welcome Jess Jr. into the world … well, I’d believe you. That’s how time works. Except for a few times during Hellmester, I didn’t actually believe this baby would kill me.
Holy crap: I made it through another trimester! Two-thirds done. On one hand, I can’t believe it. On the other, I feel like I’ve been pregnant for three dog years, and I’m ready for this baby to live externally. I thought a lot about what catchy name I’d give to the second trimester. For me
I’m so excited to share this blog (and this news, perhaps) with you guys! I’ve been taking notes for this post on and off since early October, when the little bundle of multiplying cells in my uterus started KICKING MY BUTT. As some of you may know, I am Host to a small future baby,
I’m in what I’ll call a fallow period. Imagine I’m farmland. In, uh, Iowa. Soybeans maybe? Yeah, soybeans. OK cool, so I’m farmland, and the harvesters just took all my juicy crops away, and now I just have to … sit here. And wait. Until when? Well, until I’ve recharged enough to do it all
Only if you need them, of course. You’re 35 and have arrived! You’re 35 and sort of know how to drive! You’re 35 and still alive! 34? You’re ONE BETTER than that! 26? You’re way more confident and settled now! 21? No, yeah, that was probably the best year. Age ain’t nothin but a number!
Oh, you work from home every day? You’re so lucky! I hear that a lot. And I think: if this is what luck feels like, excuse me while I break all my mirrors and walk under 13 ladders while cradling my black cat inside an umbrella I opened indoors. (His name is Primo. The cat,
Hey, I’m not sure if you noticed, but… The holidays are over. Over like my eggs at an overpriced Sunday brunch. Over like me and New Year’s Eve parties. Over like the blood-alcohol limit of the insane driver who ran off the road in front of us two days before Christmas, then abandoned his truck
Moms. I see you out there, watching your child get a little less small every day, excited for them but also nostalgic for those moments and milestones that pass so quickly. Maybe the tiniest bit heartbroken, knowing your baby is a little less a baby every day. Perhaps you think “slow down” or “let me
Do you love receiving packages from Amazon that you didn’t pay for? Do you have extra cabinet space for superfluous appliances, or are you willing to upgrade to a new home just to get some additional storage space? Are you the genetic opposite of a freecyler? If any of these apply to you, I suggest
❤Accept them for who they are, flaws and all. Hire someone to compensate for their flaws. ❤Turn their grating behaviors into silent drinking games that only you play. ❤Employ tennis’ Hawk-Eye line-calling technology to settle all disputes over who is taking up more than their side of the bed. ❤Don’t compare them to other people’s
