What You Want to Do on New Year’s Eve vs. What You’re Going to Do

It’s New Year’s Eve! Time to wear an outfit you wouldn’t be caught dead in 364 days out of the year and freeze your face off! As we ring in the New Year, here’s a glimpse into your souls as you prepare for the big night.

Where you’re going:

A crowded club or bar, 3-7 stories in height, with 18x the number of occupants as is legally allowed by the fire department and music that’s “turned up to tinnitus.” Regardless of your age, 65% of the occupants are younger than you – and, yes, you can tell just by looking – and wearing 85% less clothing per square inch.

Where you want to go:

Club Couch, with performances by DJ Netflix and DJ Cat Nap, featuring a solo reenactment of Beyonce’s 7/11.

 

What you’re wearing:

A sequined slap bracelet that somehow envelopes your body, and stilettos that could double as ice picks.

What you want to wear:

A hooded onesie jumpsuit, ear plugs and a Vaseline mask.

 

When you’ll call it a night:

3 a.m. to never.

When you’d like to call it a night:

10:30 p.m.

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Who you’d like to ring in the New Year with:

The friends and loved ones who mean the most to you and who’ve been a source of love and support during the past year.

Who you’ll be ringing in the New Year with:

The remaining friends you came with that haven’t disappeared or gotten lost yet, friends of friends, someone you met in the cab on the way over, three girls you met in line for the bathroom, a guy who has you mistaken for someone else but it’s too much trouble to explain things, and somebody named Frank.

How you want to feel the next day:

Filled with hope and optimism.

How you’ll feel the next day:

Filled with regret. And cheap champagne.

Happy New Year!